Today I found myself thinking about my mom on Mother’s Day for the first time in a very long time. My mom has been dead for 10 years now and to say that our relationship was complicated is a huge understatement. My mother is one of the greatest sources of pity that has been heaped upon me in my life. People who know me well or knew me when I was young feel bad for me because my mother was a mentally ill alcoholic and because my relationship with her was so difficult. People who met me later in life feel bad for me because my mom killed herself when I was in my 20’s.
But I don’t feel bad for myself because I chose her to be my mother and she gave me some of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received. Some of the most important lessons I’ve learned about who I am, how to live, and how to love could not have been learned any other way than by having her as my mother.
Now that I’m a mother myself and realize how incredibly hard it is to be a parent I’m amazed that she could do it at all, with all the burdens she bore. I thought I had forgiven her for all the transgressions that occurred throughout my childhood but once I had my own children I went through the whole process of anger, acceptance, and forgiveness again–this time on a much deeper level than before. In fact I’ve gone through this process many times now, each time a little less intense than before, but there’s always more forgiving and more healing that can occur. Like everything, it’s a practice.
This Mother’s Day I’m thinking about all the baggage we carry around either because of how we were or weren’t mothered, or because of how we think we should or should not be mothering our own children. For a lot of us, there is so much drama surrounding the idea of “Mom.” To everyone who has mama drama that plagues them on the regular, or that has just bubbled up to the surface today because of the focus of this day, I invite you to think about things differently.
This Mother’s Day I’m thinking about and feeling grateful for all the people in my life who have loved me, taken care of me and mothered me, and those who’ve given me the chance to do those things for them. Family, friends, it’s all the same. We are all in this together and we’re all here to love, nurture, and take care of each other. Even more importantly, we’re here to do those things for ourselves. Especially if we missed out on receiving some of that stuff when we were kids–all the more reason to love and nurture ourselves now.
The most powerful way to heal ourselves and each other is through love. Can we forgive? Can we nurture? Can we be honest? Can we be grateful, even for the shitty stuff? Can we do these things for ourselves so that we may mother ourselves in the most ideal and perfect way possible? I think so, even though it’s hard. You know better than anyone else what it is you need.
So on this Mother’s Day, I invite you to love, forgive, and find gratitude for the people in your life who have cared for you, the people who were supposed to but didn’t, and most importantly for yourself. Take it a step further and practice doing this again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Let’s practice mothering ourselves and mothering each other, and see what miracles occur.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!
xoxo
Jessica
